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355,041 Views β’ Feb 15, 2017 β’ Click to toggle off description
as my friends would say, this is ma big trig (we all have one thing that's messed us up a bit - we like to make light of our struggles lol)
Anyway, this is my achilles heel. Saying goodbye, letting go of the past.
I think it affects me so much because firstly, I am a nostalgic person by nature. I used to record my whole life in my first camera, before vlogging was even a thing, just so I could watch back my whole day and remember how good it was. Yes, I was THAT happy as a kid.
But now because I experience derealisation, and most of my life nowadays feels as though I'm living in a haze, saying goodbye to the time that felt this vivid and happy feels almost unbearable. I very much see my life as a before and after my brain starting crapping up, and I wonder whether I will see as vividly as I used to; it feels as though I'm getting further and further away from it.
I know it's important to look forward and feel hopeful than to look back and ache. I know that I won't give up working on my brain and I'm sure I'll feel good again, but in a different way to how I felt before. I know that this place stopped being my home a long time ago anyway, and in some ways I've already said goodbye.
But although I know these things, I'm still hurting. Which is good! I'm processing. I'm dealing, and there's no way I'd get through this without being in so much pain.
I now officially co own a cute little house with mam (remember a year ago when I said I was going through some family issues and I needed to earn more money so I was taking on more brand deals? I earned enough to sort out the fam and now mam and hedy will be all good in their new house near her school. yay!), we're finally throwing away a lot of the crap that my parents have just accumulated and kept over the decades, and everything's out in the open in our family and we're all working through our problems. Of course, everything's still crazy up in the air and we all need therapy lol. But if you told me a year or so ago that somehow, everything was going to be okay, I absolutely wouldn't have believed you. Or, I'd have shaken your shoulders and screamed "WHEN?! HOW?!"
Anyway. Love you. Happy VEDIF. Jeez no wonder I had a breakdown mid last year lol
youtube.com/doddleoddle for music channel
twitter.com/doddleoddle
Views : 355,041
Genre: Entertainment
Date of upload: Feb 15, 2017 ^^
Rating : 4.986 (93/26,043 LTDR)
RYD date created : 2022-01-19T16:27:19.431542Z
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YouTube Comments - 1,833 Comments
Top Comments of this video!! :3
Did anyone else cry when she threw her stuff in the fire
1.1K |
its so cool that in your family you can just talk about your feelings, and they'll listen and help you. I've never had that experience with my family.
1K |
Wow there was some incredible wisdom being said in the car. "It is a shit home" was a personal favourite.
257 |
Mums always know the right thing to say, your mum seems so sweet! π
1.4K |
Your Mum is me when I have someone else in the car for Pokemon Go
728 |
Also Hedy's a good interviewer
821 |
your mum is so funny i love her
380 |
this video has a tint of pink in it and it's aesthetic and soft
500 |
"there's your childhood, in the skip" ASTRID SNDBJSBSHSB
48 |
I loved hearing Heddy in this video, she is so wise for her age. I hope she will be in another VEDIF.
111 |
This morning I was sitting in class working on a chemistry test and all of the sudden my brain started thinking about my childhood and I was just like "oh fuck. My childhood is over. All of the things I did as a kid will never happen again. There are people I will probably never see again. I can't even remember what my elementary school best friend looks like anymore. Even my memory is flaking out on me. There are so many things that I will never ever ever be able to experience or recreate in any way. Fuck." And so I just sat there, staring at my computer screen, having a minor crisis is my head, all while I'm supposed to be completing a test.
61 |
Oh God. It would absolutely tear me apart to burn all of my old stuff. I'm such a memory hoarder. I have so many notebooks from my 3-8 grade stuff. (it's mostly like old art and journals). Even old notes from my old friends who I don't talk to anymore.
I just could never see myself throwing it away because it's such a big part of me.
57 |
I feel like losing your childhood home is similar to kicking out all of the stable support out from under you. Like, you spend years learning and growing off of memories and experiences in that one house, and suddenly that place is gone.
389 |
I went through a similar situation and I totally get you. It's very very sad to leave a home and all of the memories you've build up in it, but time passes and although you might always be a bit nostalgic and sad you will eventually move on... Love you dodie <33
362 |
I just microwaved some toothpaste and my whole house smells like mint and my dad is coming back soon heLP
387 |
i actually started crying a bit when you put that box on the fire. that was so strong of you. i honestly don't think i could have done that.
i'm really fuckin sentimental too, stemming from a breakdown i had in high school where i buried all of my journals from age 6-15. biggest regret of my life. i feel like those memories are gone forever - even though i know the ones that really are important will always stick around in my head, it's hard to let go of the little things. letting go and moving on is a legitimate skill, and it gives me hope and makes me proud to see you getting better at it.
98 |
im sorry doddle. we all know how sentimental you are
152 |
Hedy is so intelligent and aware and just so good at wording things?? You must be such a proud big sister lol
80 |
I completely understand how you feel. I went through this when I moved out of my parents house when I was 18. Losing your home is such a unique kind of pain. I remember there was a 2 month time period where I had to go into numb mode. I couldn't think, or feel, or I knew I'd have a mental breakdown. While I knew I was fine, I'd visit a couple times a year, I let myself over think and make it so much worse. I'm going to let you know, the months after are the hardest. You'll feel sadness, and grief, and be so overcome with emotions you'll feel like you could die. Let me tell you, you won't. This sounds cliche but it will get better. It's been a year, and I am completely happy again. That year was the hardest of my life, I felt like I was sleep walking, not really living. You learn that you have multiple homes, which are not necessary buildings. My mom for example, is my home. My first apartment, that I decorated all by myself and sheltered me during the hardest part of my life, is my home. The coffee shop I work at, is my home. The track field, where I spent hours running, is my home. The house, my boyfriend and I rent is our home, where we want to start out lives. Home isn't a single place, its the feelings, and memories associated with something. Home is a feeling of love, and you can feel that anywhere. The feeling isn't buried under the house you left, It follows you, and sometimes falls a little behind, but don't worry, it'll catch up soon. <3
101 |
@bookseatnerds
7 years ago
Your mum is so hilariously unsympathetic but sympathetic at the same time. It just reminds me of my own and makes me so happy!
2.5K |