@gavinreedisgay5770

2 years ago

I know I'm a year late, but... This always either makes me feel comforted, or makes me want my childhood back. Where I still had that childish glee. Where I didn't have a care in the world of what people said about me. I want to go back to the beach and be able to have that pure happiness when I found those beautiful shells that always washed up on the shore. To be able to chase those darn seagulls that always stole my food, but still have that feeling of being alive. That feeling of being a child. That feeling of being me. But... I can't. Everytime I go to the beach, I feel... empty. I don't have that same happiness when I found shells. I'm always constantly worrying about the future. Constantly thinking about how some day, I'm going to be alone. I won't have the cats that always comforted me when I got home. I'm always thinking about the fact that even though my parents love me, they just... don't listen. They don't listen to my concerns. They don't listen to how I feel. And it just makes me feel lonelier than before. I have my online friends that I can always talk to, and I appreciate them for everything that they do, but it's just not enough. My school friends sometimes talk over me when I'm trying my best to speak up about how I feel, and after so many attempts, I just end up shutting myself up. It's not their fault, I get it, I sometimes indecipherably stutter midway through my words... but it still hurts. I'm still getting used to talking out loud without having to worry about messing up every little thing I say. But I still end up trying to talk whenever someone interrupts me, and they just keep interrupting me. Again, and again, and again, until the point where it's only the rest of the group talking to each other and I get left out of the conversation. I wish I wasn't this way. I wish I was still a kid, where I didn't have a care in the world and just sunk my toes into the sand, feeling the sea water wash over my feet without having to worry about anyone looking at me weirdly. Now everyone does. I'm criticized for everything that i do. I'm interrupted. I'm not heard. I'm physically okay, but I'm mentally hurting. I'm not suicidal. I was when I was in the 9 to 11 age range, but not anymore. Right now, I'm just... scared. Frightened. I don't want to die. I don't want the things I love to die. So many things have been going on, it's too much for me to mentally handle. I'm still a kid. A teenager trying to get through life. But everytime I try to look at the positives, my mind drowns me with the negatives. It's to the point where I can't think about anything else but the thing that is bothering me. I want my life back. The life before I was nine. I not only want to collect the shells, but I want to feel full again. I want to feel like I'm not broken. I want to be at peace with myself. I want to be at peace with how my life is. I want to be me. If you made it this far, I just would like to say that I'm sorry for my rambling. i got too into the moment while listening to this song, and I just let my fingers take control. I apologize if there are any grammar or spelling mistakes. If by any chance you relate to anything that happened to me... well, know that you're not alone. We may be different in many ways, but we still have our similarities. Know that things will eventually get better, despite what your mind tells you. It just takes time. Life has its ups and downs, and unfortunately, society forces you to grow up too fast. But just know that you should be yourself. Ignore what society tells you to do, and just do what you think is right for you. Not for anyone else. I hope you have a wonderful day, whoever you are. Know that someone cares for you out there. Know that things get better if you have a positive outlook on it. Hard truth is, you have to take action if you truly want things to get any better. Cut the friends in your life that guilt trip you. Eat your comfort food. Go to the beach and feel the salty wind on your skin. Dig your toes in the sand. Maybe you can let those pesky seagulls steal the occasional french, just so you can feel the thrill of chasing those birds across the beach. Know that you aren't selfish for taking care of yourself. And remember.. just be you. I love you all. I hope everything gets better, whoever you are.

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