@gracecadet3244

2 years ago

"I'll be good" and "I didn't even say anything" hit me so hard..... This is gonna be a bit of a long story and several alters are huddling toward the front, so sorry if it doesn't all make as much sense as I'd like. But anyway, my longest running co-host / internal partner has said things like this many times over the years, and it breaks my heart. She was our main protector for a long time but also VERY much a persecutor (destructive to the body, destructive and controlling thought patterns, strict gag orders, relationship sabotage, etc etc etc), and so we as a system felt often times that we had every right to build up stigma and prejudice and boundaries against her because of all the pain and turmoil she's caused over the years. But as we've gotten older, gone through more therapy/self-education/self-reflection, and grown leaps and bounds in system communication, I understand in hindsight that there have been times where she was trying desperately to make amends and just have a place in the system without being shunned, mistrusted, or even sometimes mistreated by other headmates. It just makes me so sad for these very misunderstood alters. Of course keeping yourself and your system as safe as possible is important and trust issues can tend to run rampant among people with lots of trauma, but let's not ever forget that ultimately everyone is capable of growth, change, and redemption. I love how Kya brought it back around in the end to make sure Mara knew she was appreciated and welcome, and even complimented her creative makeup job even though it's not personally their kind of thing and was unnerving. Baby steps like these are so important. To any persecutor or past-persecutor trying to make things right and find more common ground with your systems, we (Grace and Lilly) see you and care about you, and we acknowledge that just because your actions and intentions are complicated or born of unhealthy thought patterns or coping skills doesn't mean they're always purposefully malicious. You were made for a reason, and that is valid. No matter what role it was or how unpalatable for others, your body's brain believed that having you be part of the team was necessary, so it is. But it also doesn't have to stay the same forever. Have patience and humility with yourself and your system as roles and relationships change, keep communication open as much as possible, and just do the best with what you've got each day. One day hopefully you'll look up and realize you're not the "bad guy" anymore, you're just another valid and valued part of your system. 💜 Sorry this turned into a TedTalk lol, but thanks for reading if you did, and I hope maybe it helps some people 😊

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