@chandrajuliano8297

7 months ago

I couldn’t agree with this more and I am so relieved to hear this from you, I had a breakdown 5 years ago and I am still figuring out where to take my next step. During these last 5 years I have been called lazy, selfish, a narcissist, a psychopath, a drug user, crazy, etc. Being that self-reflection seemed to be the only thing my brain would allow me to do some days, there were definitely many moments where I questioned if perhaps my breakdown made me into these nasty adjectives my loved ones deemed me as now. I didn’t feel like any of them. I questioned whether I could have been any of them before my breakdown and I’m just more “self-aware”now but not changed at all. I just tried to explain to others that my brain wouldn’t allow me to be anything but selfish. It didn’t allow me to feel shame for saying what I was feeling and expressing such feelings and unlike before my breakdown, guilt did not flood my body when simply removing myself from anyone or any situation if I felt unheard, invalidated, abused, disrespected or if I simply felt uncomfortable for any and I mean any reason. I am glad to hear that these stages or steps one takes in healing isn’t something I should feel guilty about (which I am fully capable of feeling again) but I could never be as assertive as I am today without my brain allowing me to see that doing what is best for Me in any situation, without being clouded with guilt or shame, showed me that most of that guilt or shame I felt before was unnecessary and the effect it had on my life and even others lives were rarely much of anything. I hope that makes sense. I don’t believe I will ever be the person I was before my break. I had to mourn that woman. I feel like she died and I felt sad for years that no one recognized her pain and her sadness. That she perceived that others thought she wasn’t good enough and she thought others held no value of her existence so much she died because of it. She deserved the view I was given. The view of living here with others all around without any learned behaviors from the past, without any triggers or bad memories causing her to feel scared to say how she felt or to say what she needed. She deserved to not feel hurt when someone tells her no. I wish she understood it isn’t about her and the expectations she had in her life she set herself so don’t be so hard on yourself. You are the only one who knows those expectations Simply remove them and know that everything is what and where it is supposed to
Be and she has no
Control of anyone else and that be okay. Don’t worry about others feelings towards you so much cause, most likely they aren’t as deep and heavy as you think. I stayed awake worrying about that all the time. I worried about things that could happen and most of the time it never even came into reality and if they did, not once, did it actually have a huge impact on my existence but worrying about it did so much damage and blocked my view of the clear picture. We need that clear picture to be able to
Make the best choices for ourselves. I wish people could experience that kind of relief in their lives at some point. I didn’t realize how much I was hurting until my brain removed my ability to reach that pain. Even though, I have my full range of feelings and emotions again, where I place them in my life is in much different places. I used to feel extremely uncomfortable being misunderstood and would fight to my death until I felt understood. Being misunderstood was the end all to me, misunderstanding me was my excuse as to why anything and anyone was hurting me or why mistakes I made happened. Then after my break, I was able to see directly that most of the time others don’t really care to understand you and again it has nothing to do with me and who I am. Now, I feel like it isn’t my place to try and make someone understand me, that the understanding I have with myself, was always only meant for me and can only be understood fully by me. I do feel a little sad saying that, because I think all people want to feel understood. I had to be okay with that. as long as others understand that not everything is meant to be understood by everyone, in other words, understanding that some things are meant to be just that, misunderstood. People just don’t like the unknown and things they don’t understand or cannot understand will simply be labeled as something they do
Understand. I assume the adjectives they deemed me as, are words they DO understand. That is okay with me.

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