@olivialovesdesign

5 months ago

Do people with narcissistic personality disorder worry/fear they are narcissistic? Like my mum has called me a narcissist sinve i was a little girl but all her family have said that about her. She left my abusive stepfather after he abused me for 9 years and she kept going back cos he was never violent to her just to me but the second he slapped her once across the face one day she sobered up (she was an alcoholic) and finally left him. For years. Just one slap. I copped beatings eveeyday for a decade almost. She then told me I ruined her marriage (I was only 9-12 years old when she laid this on me) and I should be so grateful cos she gave up her mansion for me etc…. She eventually got back with him, stole my chikd and raised her with him and I honestly couldn’t keep fighting her in court the mud slinging in court just broke me. She said in an affidavit that I had been diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder but years later after she has left my step dad for good and had given me my daughter back I asked “who diagnosed me? I don’t Remember it?” And she said “oh no you were not diagnosed you just had a tantrum when you were about 4 getting your immunisations and the gp laughed and said we have a budding narcissist on our hands as a joke” and I was just jaw to the floor speechless because that one lie had caused me to be deemed unfit as a mother and no one had ever asked who diagnosed me but no one was strong enough to fight her either myself included cos her punishments were so terrifying - abandonment, ruining my reputation everywhere…. I could go on but it’s too triggering. But I hated myseld half my adult life believing i was. But now sometimes I still wonder if I am and how would I know if I was? Cos I’m far from perfect! I fail at everything… Beleibe me! I’ve made hige mistakes! I have so much regret in my life but my major mistakes all occured after I found out I was apparently a diagnosed narcissist and my daughter had to live with my mother for a few y years unril she couldn’t deal with her behaviour and said you can have her back.

I read about flying monkeys and golden chidlren and black sheep and my mum seemed to have all three me being the black sheep but she accuses her now dead mun of the same thing.
Maybe we are both narcissistic? Although she woukd never ever admit it and woukd never speak to me again if I eveb slightly implied it. I walk on egg shells just so I can have a mum.

How do inkmow if I’m a narcissist truly? I do feel extreme empathy and compassion for people and love deeply and bave put up with many abusive partners and still loved rhem and tried to change them. I’m not a perfect or even great mum but my kids are every thung to me. I could be more present and get off my phone more. How do I know ? I’m scared of myself just in case I am but I’m
Maybe not self aware enough to know it

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