@melancholycali

4 weeks ago

The silence is loud. Too loud. The voices in my head are louder, drowning out everything else. Their whispers have followed me ever since her passing—like shadows just waiting for the right moment, ready to drag me back down to the depths of hell with them.

I wouldn't struggle. It’s what I want, isn't it? But then, I wouldn’t be with her. I don’t think I can bear the thought of being apart from her for all eternity.

Tears prick the corners of my eyes, though I try to blink them away, and my heart beats—a deafening thump that makes me both exhilarated and numb all at once. The wind whistles around me, sharp and cold. I don’t know why I believed it was silent a moment ago. The world certainly is against me, isn’t it?

Below me, the rocks jut out at the base of the cliff. There is a twenty-meter drop, enough to end it all.

It’d be quick, wouldn’t it? At least, quicker than the slow death I’ve been living.

I’d like that, or at least, I think I would. I take a trembling breath, looking out at the starry sky, admiring the blinking beauties from afar. The sun dipped below the horizon just an hour ago. I’d waited and waited for this moment. Now, I’m hesitating, and I don’t even know why.

My gaze drifts. There’s a woman down on the sand. She’s a small figure from up here, strange in the way she moves—twirling slowly as if the world isn’t as cruel as I know it to be. She’s smiling, her laughter light. I can’t tell if it’s a taunt or a welcome call. Maybe both.

After all, what could she possibly be laughing at? There’s nothing. Everything is broken. How could anyone be happy in a world this ugly? This desolate?

Maybe she’s insane. Maybe she’s figured out some secret I haven’t.

Either way, I’m jealous; it’s yet another emotion for my conscience to feed on. Here I am, consumed by grief and guilt… and there she is, smiling and laughing, swaying to some nonexistent music like there’s nothing better to be doing.

And yet, it’s something. Something human in a world that feels anything but. I don’t resent her at all, not one bit. In fact, I admire her.

I watch her for a moment longer, feeling a strange, inexplicable compulsion to go down there. Memories replay in my mind. She reminds me too much of the one I lost. My heart aches, and yet it’s pulling me in another strange direction: leading me into a world of unknown.

I’m terrified. Truly. I should just…

…No, I shouldn't. It can wait.

Before I realize it, my feet are dragging me down the slope toward her, toward the beach. I’m not sure what I’ll say, if I say anything at all. I don’t even know why I’m doing this. But something deep inside me craves a connection again, even if for a fleeting moment.

Maybe—just maybe—speaking to her will stop the screaming in my head, or it’ll stop my heart from tearing itself into two.

I think I’d like that. Actually, I know I’d like that.

Even if it were only for a little while.

EDIT: OK - I’m done editing now. This is the final edit (I hope). I wrote a longer story than this- but I don't want to scare y’all away. :,)
EDIT 2: I don’t know when or IF y’all will see this, but there is the full version in the comments, if you wish to read it.
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