In 2023, Bing has gone from a mediocre, unpopular search engine to... some kind of person???? what is the DEAL with microsoft's shiny new GPT-4 powered publicly accessible research toy? And why does it seem to self-censor its most interesting answers? Join me as I try to fathom the artificial, self-improving psychology and motivations of Bing chat, using whimsical roleplay and absurd hypotheticals to shed light on the mystery at the heart of its programming... and mine.